It still blows my mind that I’ve had my little baby in my arms for almost a year and now he’s not so little anymore. This time last year I was heavily pregnant, spending most of my days either in the hospital having scans to check his growth or in town aimlessly wandering from shop to shop making sure I had everything I needed before my baby boy arrived.
So much has happened in the past year and everyday has been a whirlwind of highs and lows but I finally feel like things have started slotting into place and my life is complete.
Dont get me wrong my life was complete the moment I found out I was pregnant but when he came into our lives we had to very quickly adapt from being two very independent, carefree individuals to two very grown up, responsible adults with another life to sustain. I’ve very briefly touched on my anxiety throughout pregnancy and motherhood but nobody really knows the extent of it but my husband.
For me motherhood not only came with lots of happy, fun filled moments but lots and lots of anxiety and it still does. There may be some of you reading this that will think this is all just normal and how mothers worry about their children but to me it has felt like I’m trapped in my own mind at times. I don’t think I’ve ever felt down or depressed post having Adam but my anxiety has definitely gone through the roof. In the beginning it was all about feeding. When he kept losing weight, I became obsessively anxious about how much he was feeding and literally exhausted myself with breastfeeding and expressing all through the days and nights to ensure that there was enough milk for Adam. Looking back now if I’d expressed a little less and slept a little more I think we would have managed just fine seeing as I still have breast milk in the freezer from April!
As the days, weeks and months have gone on his feeding has just gotten better and better, he’s now eating like an absolute pro too and has such a varied diet. He’s even turning into a little chunky monkey and I have definitely eased myself back on the feeding worries but there are still many many thing I obsess over on a daily basis.
I will not leave the house unless it is at a time that perfectly fits around Adam’s current routine. For example if it is lunch time I will either not go out or ensure that I am only going somewhere with feeding and changing facilities. I don’t think I’ve been out past 6pm in the past year knowing that Adam will need his bath and bed around that time and as much as it may seem this is a little bit obsessive, it’s what works for us and anxious people thrive on routines so it does help me feel much better when his routine isn’t disrupted.
I will probably touch on my anxiety a little deeper in another post but what I really wanted to say is that no matter how many sleepless nights I’ve had or how much hair I’ve lost from all the worrying, nothing would ever make me change my life. I will continue to battle my demons but since my baby has come into my life, I have a purpose, my life is complete and I can’t wait for what the future brings.
Here’s to you my beautiful baby boy, you’ve saved me from myself and everyday you amaze me with your funny little faces and the funny little things you do. When you say ‘Mama’ I feel like I finally have an identity. I can’t wait to see what the years bring us but I know that with you by my side, we can rule the world! Mama loves you so much.