When you value something, you take extra care of it. You protect it and nurture it and hold it close because you value it’s very being and just how hard you worked to get it. I think this is the reason for my anxiety.
The other day I’d been out to Sainsburys to do the food shop with Adam as we normally do every week. And when I’d packed the car full of the shopping, the child and myself I noticed that the first thing I did was check my bag to make sure my camera was in there. It’s then that I realised that because I hold the camera quite highly in value compared to the other stuff in my bag I’m constantly checking to make sure it’s there and I even keep it wrapped in bubble wrap so it doesn’t get scratched. If my fingers don’t happen to land on the camera as soon as I open my bag I begin to inwardly panic because I know how hard Ayaz worked to buy it for my birthday and he knows how long I banged on about the bloody camera in the first place.
Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks, the reason why I’m so anxious about Adam all the time. It’s because he is THE most precious thing in my life. As soon as I became a mum, he came first and I’m learning to be ok with that. I look back at how hard we tried to have him (stop those dirty thoughts you perverts!). I think of how hard I longed for him and how many days and nights I spent hunched over a toilet or sink throwing up while pregnant and the labour pains were just the beginning!
The real test began after he was born, the struggles with feeding, the endless mum guilt and the constant feeling of never being good enough for him. It’s because I would move heaven and earth to give him the best in life and that is because I feel that when I took that step, and made the decision to be his mum, I took a silent vow to help nurture and grow him into the best that I physically can.
In discovering this I have moved on to the reality that I can’t possibly give him the best without being my best and Ayaz always says you wont be able to look after him if you’re dead! A bit of a harsh way of putting it babe but it’s true I guess! I’ve written a post not long ago about how I’m putting a little more care in to myself here but now I’m taking a little more care than just eating well and drinking more water. I’m learning to say no to things and people that don’t promote a happiness in my life or encourage me as a woman or a mother. I found that people who criticised me on my life and parenting choices just caused unnecessary anxiety so I choose to stay away from them.
I’m taking more care of my emotions and my wellbeing, I will allow myself to feel low as long as I know I need to pick myself back up again for myself but also for my son. I’m slowly realising that the more time I have to myself to sit and think, the more my thoughts turn to anxious ones. Keeping busy and focusing on more physically challenging things allows me to become too tired to worry about the small worries and to focus that energy in to more positive tasks like taking photos for my Instagram which I’m really enjoying at the moment. I’ve also signed up to Sara Tasker’s Bloom and Grow class and I’m really loving the positivity I’m gaining from focusing my energy on something other than constantly worrying.
I think the main thing I’ve come to accept about my anxiety is that I will never be able to rid myself of my maternal worries because it comes with the joys of being a mother. Breathing life into a little human being you’ve helped to create means your children will always be your most prized possession and therefore worrying about them is part of the job description I’m afraid. What I am learning is there are things that can wait to worry about and those that can’t, can be managed much better by focusing more on the positive aspects of being a mum. The more time spent worrying about what may be, robs you of precious moments with your little one and those moments you will never get back.